I've been sitting here for about an hour, watching time melt onto my fingertips.
I've written about four long entries and erased them all.
By just pressing 'select all" and 'delete'.
That's kind of how real life is anyways.
Anything you do worth getting credit for,
you don't.
Anything you don't want credit for,
you do.
I have found millions of reasons as to why I should be dead,
and none for why I am still alive and well.
Maybe there is no purpose for purpose,
if i spend all my time looking for some kind of drive,
I would probably be too concentrated, and miss it when it hit me in the face.
Sometimes when I look out of my window and see nothing but the reflections of my lights and the city lights,
I promise myself with growing tears that I will bury this city one day.
When I walk out into the depths of the ocean and command it to sweep away my entire past with nothing more than a nonchalant smile and maybe an air kiss...
And when the water encircles me
and i realize the weight on my shoulders dragging me down is me, myself, and I.
I may get to see my life flash before my eyes.
And I don't want to to be strobe flashes of me looking for some fucking nonexistent purpose.
I am too deep of a thinker to allow myself to ever get lost in thought.
For I am sure I would never make it back.
You wouldn't believe this if I told you
that every time I take a bath...
I get closer
to closing the deal with the other side.
We shake hands
as I slip into the water.
I am restless from the numb feeling,
I'm turning on the last shred of passion I had.
You could ball your fists and fight,
you could find the way out through the back window we leave open just a crack,
because that just shuts off the sounding alarms.
But I am feeling dirty and cold.
And every attempt to cleanse myself presents itself as an opportunity to end it all.
And sometimes I'm really drowning.
And it is sick.
I float in a sea of discontent and its so endless,
floating as my friends converse in the room next to me
...and so i pop the lock on the door.
And let out a loud and unsure laugh at the thoughts that wish I had a clock radio to sit on the edge of the tub,
and keep me company.
Something, anything
I want to wonder...
The currents inside of me ripping me and throwing me onto the rocks.
Ripping and snapping and turning my thoughts of everything possible into massive wreckage
I cling to, hoping for safety.
The pressure of billions of years of water piled on top of my body,
is nothing like the pressure from the looks of pity in their eyes.
I know how this will end
the water pouring over the side of the tub,
the soft knocking and unanswered questions from my friends who stand in the hall way on the other side of sanity
will become frantic scratches on the wooden door.
Suddenly thick and unyielding to them
a tiny metal latch,
and metal knob will become the one thing that separates the few people i love
from wrenching me from this terrible nightmare.
And filling my lungs with air,
and pulling me safely to shore
is all they desire.
And so I punish them by slipping away
and letting go at the first sign of rescue.
As I am sailing away from everything
Your words are my anchor,
or so they assure me.
Just as I lose sight of the shore,
uncertain waters swirl below me in a damning pattern.
I am on the verge of giving into the sea sleep when regret musters a little flow of oxygen to my brain and a clear thought presents itself on the horizon.
I will forget you, as I reemerge into something new.
Reincarnate into something much better,
much more suitable for modern times.
I open my eyes and try desperately to throw my body upwards,
the water spilling over the sides of the tub crashes onto the floor and rushes to meet the screams pouring in from under the door, the promises of better tomorrows from trusting lips.
The mix creates a tidal wave inside of us all.
A battle for consciousness is broken by the scream that shoots through every wave in my bathtub
I am too broken.
Too unfixable
Too disastrous.
The hurricane, and this is only the calming before the storm.
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